Reflections

"Before I ask you to sit with me, I must be able to sit with myself"

PUKALANI, Hawaii // With our surplus of time and increased interactions with each other, basically all day everyday, I find myself reflecting about why I react to certain situations the way I do. 

I have discovered that I mask my fear with anger. When I'm scared or confused I lash out with attitude, like when someone is giving me directions and I'm scared to take a wrong turn or cause an accident. Or when we are in new different surroundings I stop communicating my fear of the unknown and just get sullen. I think this is a trait I picked up on Wall Street. Fear is a sign of weakness and in a cut throat business you either kill or be killed. Once I pinpointed this trend and vocalized it to Adam I find that we can work through those situations more effectively as I try to communicate my fear instead of unnecessary anger. Though I will say when I see a tarantula fear is definitely the emotion that comes to the surface.

I also have trouble losing. This I have always known from tennis, but recently I notice it when it comes to ideas. If I think something should be done differently and the group decides to go another direction I tend to disengage. Secretly I think I want the project to fail so I can say "I told you so." Not a flattering trait I know, and I'm ashamed to even say it out loud. Identifying this trait in my personality is the first step in conquering it I hope. I can't honestly say I have come up with a great solution, but hopefully I'll have time this year to work through it and am open to any suggestions.

Dedicated to Adam for being so patient with me even though I have the above mentioned traits.